The Talk...

I left last Monday to visit family for the holidays. That Sunday, I stayed at L's house since we weren't going to see each other for about a week. I knew that Sunday was going to be the last time I stayed at her house, shared her bed, and kissed her goodnight the following morning. When I was leaving, she hugged me and said "Have a good holiday". No kiss goodbye, and no lingering hug. She had already shut down, and I knew that when we both got back from our vacations that we would have the talk and just be friends... literally this time.

I had a week preparing myself for it. It became more obvious when we didn't speak at all for that week. We spoke on the phone twice, for no longer than ten minutes. She sent me a very business like text message about cross country skis. That was it, nothing more, nothing less.

I can't say that I am surprised. The relationship we had was nothing but me giving her all I could, and getting nothing in return. I give too much of myself, and I know I need to work on that, but I am a genuinely nice person. I love to do things for the people I love. I love being able to do small things that show I am thinking of them or that I care. It's part of who I am... and I am not willing to change that completely. But I know I need to set some ground rules and realize that if I keep giving and I get nothing in return, there is something wrong.

Anyway, we talked last night. L started to cry. I didn't. I am totally shut down. Probably due to the fact that I have had a week to prepare myself for this, to realize this is not what I want in a relationship and I deserve a hell of a lot better. I also know L has a lot of shit to work out. And when I say a lot, I mean enough shit to fill the Grand Canyon. That much. I know, it's scary. So we talked, and I told her I knew it was coming. Her response "How did you know it was coming? I just knew tonight that we were going to need to talk" And I simply told her I knew because we didn't talk at all, the Monday morning I left she was shut down, etc. etc.

She explained to me that she doesn't have a single healthy relationship in her life. That she has been taking advantage of me and treating me poorly. She started to cry even harder when she brought up the fact that sometimes, I don't know if I am allowed to kiss her or hold her hand, because everyday is a different feeling in her. Hot n' Cold by Katy Perry just popped in my head. It's perfect, really.

Anyway, I gave her The Four Agreements, because my cousin suggested it for me the first time L and I broke up. I read it in a day. It was amazing, and I have been trying to live my life that way. It's rather difficult, but I am trying. She hadn't read it and it made me a little mad. But she got it over audio book and listened to it when she was driving back from her home. This is when she realized what was going on between us wasn't right and she was using me, blah blah blah. I have heard it all before.

The last time we had this talk, another girl showed up in the picture about a month later. She was "curious" about this girl. So it crushed me. Because S did the same thing to me when we broke up. There was another woman. So I told her that it makes me feel like I am not good enough. She got defensive and said that there wasn't another girl and she wont do what she did last time. She said she loved me and that those two weeks I wasn't in her life were probably one of the worst times for her.

So, now we really are "just friends". I am sad because I will miss the companionship, sleeping with someone next to me, kisses, hand holding, etc. but this really is the best thing. My office is moving into a different building, so I think it's a sign from the universe saying I need to distance myself from her.

We'll see what happens. She needs to find a counselor and she FINALLY admitted to it last night. After of me telling her for months that she needs one. She needs to get rid of the ex wife for awhile because that is just one fucked up situation. She needs to work on herself. We were both selfish in this relationship because I knew she was incapable of having a relationship and I pushed it anyway, and she treated me like shit and I let her. And since she knew I would let her, she continued to do it. So... now, we'll see what happens.

She wrote my mother an email on facebook explaining to her what was going on. haha. Apparently my mother wrote on in return which made L cry.

ugh.