Let's backtrack...
Last night, I stayed over at Lindsay's again. The snow is ridiculous and she has a truck, and since we both work in the same place, it makes perfect sense for us to ride in together. Since my little Alice cannot make it. So, we head over to her house, we both change into sweats and start watching TV. She builds a fire and we just hang out. I am ok with this. I don't need to go out every night, and be entertained. I am perfectly content to sit at home, knit, read, watch tv, whatever... I am not hard to please. Granted, it is nice to go out every once in awhile, but I don't need it that much. Anyway, we get in this little tiff because I know how to push her buttons, and apparently I do it all the time. Which isn't true. She exaggerated just A LITTLE! The way I deal with things is to get up and walk away. Not the best way to do it, but I also know I get extremely violent when I get mad. Most of the time I want to punch someone... a trait I got from my father. So I go and move from the couch she was sitting on to the one across from her. I ball up and pick at my nails, because that's what I do when I am uncomfortable.
After five minutes, she gets up and comes and sits by me. Puts her arm around me and her head on my shoulder. She apologized for being a huge smart ass the other night. She was. It was ridiculous. Apparently I couldn't do anything right. And usually I am ok with her being a smart ass. I usually can handle it. But I am bleeding, therefore, I take things extremely personally, more so when I am not. I said it's ok. She then told me that it's because she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings about us and our situation, so she turns into a smart ass. I told her I knew that. I told her I was scared, and when she asked why I told her it was because I loved her, and I am scared of loving her. And then she said she loved me too, but was scared as well; "I am scared of loving you" is what she said to me. I don't know how I am supposed to take it. But she wrapped both arms around and hugged me, and kissed me. Sat there for awhile like that and then she got up went over to the other couch. All was well again.
This morning, she wakes up; the school is on a two hour delay, so we didn't have to be there till 10. But we both got up and took showers, got ready, etc. etc. She called A, the ex, and they were talking for awhile. We didn't speak to each other. NOT ONE WORD WAS EXCHANGED. Oh, except when she asked me if what she was wearing was ok. I finish getting ready, I can hear her on the phone still. She gets off the phone and doesn't say anything to me. We get in the car, and nothing is said for the fifteen minute car ride to work, except when we got into town and she asked if I wanted food. I said no. We pull up to our office and we get out... I go one way she goes the other. No words exchanged. NOTHING.
I go into my office, I have been text messaging my first ex, S the entire time, looking for help and advisement. I sit down at my desk and I just start crying. I feel so unworthy, not good enough, undeserving of her love, like I can't do anything right. That's a HORRIBLE feeling, and a HORRIBLE way to start off the day. So I write my friend a facebook message, and while I am doing this I am crying and text messaging S at the same time. I am having a break down.
S pointed out that L has A LOT of shit going on. She did just get out of three year relationship and work has been crazy. She also told me not to take it personally, but I take things personally. Even when it has nothing to do with me (which I am assuming this doesn't). I am crying and I just want reassurance that she does love me, and that she cares about me and that I am amazing. I know I am amazing but to hear it from the person you're in love with sometimes is needed.
The campus closed at 8.30, after I was already at work. So I was trying to find a ride home. I came across one, and I am now home for the day, looking at the snow still barfing on us. They hadn't plowed my street, so when I was getting dropped off, there were three cars stuck on ONE of the hills to get to my house.
While I was getting a ride home, my phone rang. I didn't answer, because I think that's rude. So when I got home, I check and it's L. She asked me what I was doing and I told her a guy in the electrical shop just brought me home. She said campus was horrible and that she's plowing. She then asked if I would make her cookies to bring to our holiday party that is going on in our building (since we are considered essential staff the whole plant, even accountants have to be there. And the only reason I came home is because uhhh. I have had a HORRIBLE morning) because she didn't bring anything and I had nothing to do. I told her I would, since baking makes me feel better. Which also means she has to come and get them, and I will have the chance to ask her WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON THIS MORNING. And tell her that I felt horrible, that I had done something wrong and that she can't not talk to me and treat me like that. I am putting my foot down. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. To the point where I sat in my office for fifteen minutes crying.
Hi, welcome to my life, you want to trade?
We'll see what happens today. I am for sure NOT staying with her tonight. I leave Monday for a week holiday to see family. And I don't want to spend a lot of time together. So, I might not stay there until Saturday or Sunday. She told me last night that she wants to exchange presents when I get back, because she needs more time planning. Lord knows what that means. But I got her an amazing present, I just have to pick it up... but with the snow, I wont be able to for awhile. It is supposed to subside today. And then they say snow on monday, which I am hoping isn't the case, because I am flying out of the airport in this town. It's a small airplane, those like 15 passenger ones. So hopefully it stops snowing... so I can have much needed time away from this town, this snow and spend it with my wonderfully crazy family.
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