it's the first time...

That I am blogging on this site. Lord knows who is going to view it. Cause let's be honest. With a name like this one, either a. people are going to hate it or b. people are going to love it. Either way, I don't give a flying fuck. Don't view the blog if you are uncomfortable with the name. Don't view the blog if you know fully well, with the help of the title, that you are going to read the words of a lesbian. Don't enter my site, preaching your bullshit about how homosexuality is wrong, how my life is wrong, blah blah blah. Go take your advice and shove it down someone elses' throat.

Let's start.

Hi. How are you today? I am doing well, thanks for asking. As you may or may not have guessed, I am a lesbian. Therefore, my life is a bit dramatic and ridiculous. Hence, the title. But, we mustn't forget about the "chic" part. For I am chic. and extremely feminine. So before you go thinking I am some butch dyke, let me tell you, I am as far away from being butch as Palin is as being the Vice President (thankfuckingjesus).

I really haven't the slightest clue to write on here, besides the ridiculousness that is my life. For example; I am in love with this girl. I believe she loves me too. HOWEVER, we first started dating right after her and her "wife" of three years were no longer. Seriously... like a week after they broke up, her and I were "special friends". Let me explain. I first started hanging out with her in June. She called me and invited me to have a beer at her house, where her and her best friend, and the best friends girlfriend were hanging out. So, after work (we work in the same building), I drove all the way over to her house. I had seen her around the plant for awhile, and was always attracted to her. As I was driving over there, I couldn't help but get nervous. I knew she was married. I was a witness when her and her "wife" at the time needed a witness to sign a couple of documents. Nevertheless, her and I never really talked. So, when I got a phone call asking if I wanted to come over, I was pretty excited about. Especially since at that point, I had maybe 5 friends in this town. I went over there and we all talked. Her friend called it instantly once I left; "I guarantee you that something is going to happen between you two." And for the next week, while the "wife" was gone on a retreat, my new crush and I spent everyday together. We always did something after work. I even went over to her house one day to watch movies, and the sexual tension and chemistry was too much. Nothing happened. Don't fret. I am not that type of girl. But my attraction to her was growing every second. We had so much fun together.

Once my new crush and her "wife" broke up, I had a little hope. And a week later, neither one of us could take it anymore. And the first kiss between the two of us, was the best kiss either of us has had. And from there we became "special friends". Now, it's complicated. look at the situation. Her heart had just got ripped out and served to her on a silver plate, and here we were starting something. Well, it was good for about a month and a half. Then it slowly started to go down the shitter. And at 2.5 months she broke up with me. Ripping my heart out, showing it to me, then throwing on the ground, jumped on it about 5,000 times. Even after we broke up, we were still attracted to each other, wanted to be together, etc. etc. That is, all the way until October.

My friend had killed herself, my cat had died, I wanted to be with this girl that I loved and I couldn't, therefore I was depressed. And I am sorry, but I believe it was perfectly ok for me to be depressed. My new ex had come over one night, and insisted on telling me that there was a new girl (seriously, not even two weeks after telling me she still had feelings for me), and that she was interested... or should I say "curious". They went on a few dates, blah blah blah. She decided to tell me this the day after my cat died. I was a FUCKING train wreck. I really didn't need this. So I was pissed and shut down. She left and said that maybe we should get together the next day for coffee.

Coffee was a bust. I was hurt, pissed off, and wanted nothing more than to punch her in the face. I didn't know what to say, knowing that I am capable of degrading people when I am so pissed off. So I was quiet. She then continued to ask me "Do you really think we would work out?" I am sorry... WHAT?! Who fucking says that to someone?! That just added wood to the fire. I was FUMING. And so incredibly hurt. "This is why I don't want to hang out with you, because you never talk and it makes it awkward." Once again, not the BEST thing to say to someone who wants nothing more than to rip you apart. Finally, I had had enough, and told her to fuck off and I walked to my car and drove away. My heart breaking.

I get a call two hours later. Apologizing. Saying she doesn't want there to anger. YEAAAAH fucking right. I had the right to be angry. But I said I didn't want to see or talk to her for awhile. I couldn't be her "friend" if I was still in love with her. I told her not to contact me.

You wanna know how long that lasted? Two weeks. I did well for two weeks. We work in the same building, so it's hard NOT to run into each other, but whenever we were both roaming the halls, I ignored her existence (I am REALLY good at that). Then, one night, at a bar, and after I had two or three drinks in me, I see her. Her friend comes over and talks to me. Followed by her. Now, I get friendly when I drink. So I gave her a hug and she held me, and lingered. It felt so amazing to be back in her arms again. She told me that the past two weeks had been horrible and that she had missed me and that she loves me. Later on, we both happen to be in the bathroom (probably on purpose) and she kisses me. My heart melts, my knees weaken and I just think "fuck, this is amazing". Now, not the BEST place to kiss, but whatever. I missed her lips against mine, the perfect fitting... Well, let's just say I ended up going home with her. Nothing happened, but we cuddled and I felt better. The next morning we go to breakfast and it's almost like we are a couple again. I go my own way, she goes hers, and that's that. I go over to our friends house, who lives just down the street to see the two of them. We end up taking a nap together on the couch...

And from then till now, we are good. We are not a couple, we are not even dating. We are "just friends". But, I think we both know, as well as our mutual friends that we are not "just friends". It's fucking complicated and it gives me a headache just thinking about it. But whatever. She told me she wants to date me, but is afraid that if we make it official she is going to flip shit like she did last time. Neither one of us wants that. We have done a lot of talking... we both want to have a strong friendship base before we go full at it again. But to be honest... we are totally full at it again. I stay over at her house 3-4 nights a week... and to be frank, both of our clothes have been taken off by the other. SOOOO... we'll see.

Nevertheless, I am in love with this girl who has already broken my heart, and will probably do so again. But, at this moment, I am being positive, thinking about the positive and taking it one day at a time. My wants in life have changed since I met her. I was going to be single and never have children. And now, for the past three weeks, I have been wanting to get married and have babies. Not just with anyone, but with her. Granted, she still has A LOT of shit to work out, but we work well together. And the chemistry between us is ridiculous.

Aw. How sappy. It is still a fucked up situation. We are, after all, "just friends". Yet, she gets jealous of this one girl who wants to be with me. Even though it is OBVIOUS that I chose her. Oh. Lesbians. We get crazy jealous. Crazy stalker-like. Crazy angry... and well, let's just face it... fucking crazy in every sense of the word.

Till next time.