the first ex...

So, when I got back from England, I fell in love with my best friend of three years. We had both been in different countries for five months, and it was a difficult transition from hanging out 3-4 times a week to not seeing each other or being able to talk on the phone for 5 months. Before we both went on our own journeys, we decided to get a tattoo together. We decided to get half a daisy (my favourite flower) and half a sunflower (her favourite). We both got it on our right foot. It's a beautiful tattoo. And it reminds me of a time when we were the best of friends and how much we cared about each other.

Well, I get back from England and I finally allowed myself to accept that the feelings and protectiveness I had over S was more than just your typical friendship. After a month of us being back and hanging out pretty much everyday, we kissed. And my heart melted. It felt good. It felt spectacular. But it also scared the living shit out of me. I had always dated guys... and even though I knew, probably around the age of 13 that I liked girls far more than I liked guys, I denied it.

S and I dated for about a month and a half. In that time, we had a good relationship, until one day, at the library apparently, S was approached by a girl, D. D and S started hanging out a lot and it made me a little uncomfortable. And when I say a little, I mean a lot. S reassured me that nothing was going on, but in the pit of my stomach I knew that wasn't the case.

S broke up with me in August, before she went home for two weeks before school started again. My heart was crushed. Not only did I lose my first girlfriend, I lost my very best friend. When she was gone, she told me that she had fallen for D. I was FURIOUS. To the point where I could have beat her or D up till there was nothing left. I was also crushed. No one wants to hear "I like someone else".

It was a roller coaster for about three months. S and I were on again, then off again... it was a huge heart pull and finally we stopped talking altogether. My heart couldn't take anymore and I was tired of being second best. It was hard and still is hard. I miss my best friend... but we are not those two people we were almost two years ago. I am accepting this.

We talked once in April. I made her say it was D she was dating, and I told her straight up that I can't trust her. But I missed her and hoped that one day we would be able to be friends again. Then there was nothing until about September of this year. Text messages were exchanged every once in awhile. I wanted to get together and talk. I had spent a whole year angrier than fuck. I wanted to apologize for me being so angry and that I realized a lot of things about myself and wanted to start new. That never happened.

I called her one night in need of a friend. The drama with L, the girl I am in love with now, was too much and I just needed SOMEONE who knew me and who could make me feel better. S actually came through and answered her phone, and talked to me for about 15 minutes. It was nice, she was not judgemental and was supporting. She was the kind, passionate person she was when we were close.

Then, it stopped. We stopped talking, texting, etc. etc. Until today.

She called me today and said "happy two years" (it's been two years since we've gotten our tattoo. she did the same thing last year, but sent a text message with a picture of her foot saying she missed me). Then she asked it I wanted to stand outside with her and direct parking for the graduation stuff. I took the opportunity I saw to actually talk to this one person who understood me inside and out and who I understood the same way. It was fun. Freezing balls, but fun nonetheless. I missed talking to her and hanging out. I know there needs to be baby steps in order for us to try a friendship again, and I think this is a step in the right direction.

I have forgiven her for all the SHIT she pulled on me, but I haven't forgotten. And I will stay guarded and not give me friendship and love out so freely this time. But I also know that I have to let people in. I have been shut down and unwilling to let people into my life, into my heart. Probably cause I get fucked over all the time. But that's part of dating, growing up, etc. etc. I am slowly learning. But I am still extremely cautious. And I am ok with that. I got all the time in the world. I am only 22...

Oh. And what I find hilarious, is that while S and I were doing our traffic control, I said "Oh, look... there's D" and apparently she didn't know who I was referring to... pretty sad since they live together... but it made me smile a little. On the inside.