Sometimes, change is a good thing.

Prior to my vacation for the holidays, I was informed that my department in the university is moving from the building we have currently resided in for four years to a different building on campus. My boss man would no longer be my boss man, and I would no longer be able to walk around this huge plant that I have worked in for five and a half years.

There are many things I like about working in this giant building:
1. I can roam the long hallways.
2. everyone knows me, says hi to me, and most of the time stops to have an actual conversation with me.
3. I have many friends here, many older women who are my adopted mothers and older men who are my adopted fathers.

However, there are people here I will not miss, like my old boss, the IT guy, and a few other male students who constantly come into my office and hit on me.

Today, my two women bosses that I work with currently met with our new main boss lady. I have worked for one woman before, and she was the devil. I hate her. She treats me poorly still. But now I wont ever have to see her again. At least not everyday.

The whole interesting thing about this, is that I have heard good things and bad things about my new department/building/boss woman. But, upon meeting her today, she seems very lovely. And from what the two women said after their meeting today that she seems very nice, very approachable, and willing to work with us so that we don't have to change what we do. I actually feel good about this change. There is one downfall, which isn't even that big of a deal, but I wont have my own cubical. Which really isn't that HUGE, but I have grown accustom to having privacy. And now I wont have any. And while I will still report to my current boss, I can now be used for anyone in the office... which isn't that bad. I mean, it will make the day go by quicker.

L went and saw my mother the other day, and told her that it is going to be hard and suck not having me in the office anymore. She is really bummed about it. But I think it is a good thing. In a way, it's the universe saying I need to distance myself and move on. This is a good change, and I am actually very excited about it. I think the distance between L and I will be beneficial. I don't know how, but it will reveal itself in time. It's all about a slow process, and I am trying my best to be patient and let the universe deal with me on its own instead of pushing it and making it do stupid things.

S and I wont see much of each other either. Granted, we don't really see each other or talk that much. But, if we are meant to be friends, this will only help it.

Here is to being optimistic about a change, for once in my life.

The New Year Will be a Good One

I don't usually make new years resolutions. And if I do, it is always about me trying to lose weight or work out more. Well, not this year. Instead, I have decided to make a couple of goals for me to accomplish involving my life, relationships, dating, self-esteem, etc. etc.

1. Don't settle for anything less than amazing.

2. Don't comprise myself or what I want for someone else.

3. Put myself first before anyone else.

4. Realize that I am amazing and deserve the very best.

5. I deserve respect, and if someone doesn't respect me, they do not deserve me.

6. Be single for more than two months.

These are all going to be challenging for me, and I am very ready for this challenge. I need to do this for me, no one else. I need to realize how great I am and how very lucky someone is to have me. Even when I don't feel good enough. Because god damn it, I am good enough... I am amazing. I am one of the most generous people that I know. I have a good heart, a good soul, and always willing to help in every way I can. I have realized that most people will see my good heart, soul, etc. etc. and use me for it. Use me to get what they want. I have come to the conclusion that I will not change my ways because I get walked over. Sure, I am amazing at shutting people out of my life and making them feel like the biggest piece of shit known to man, but I will not change my inner-self because I get used and trampled on. I refuse to become a heartless, cold, inconsiderate bitch. I love the way I am, I love the people I attract (even though they may not always stay), I love people being able to see the good in me. 

My life is complicated and filled with drama at times. I am ok with that. I think all of it makes me stronger, wiser and more grownup. Even though my heart gets broken constantly, I would rather love someone and be crushed than to never love someone, never let someone in, never let someone see the real me. 

I am graduating college this semester. Come May, I will have a diploma in English. I have applied to Grad School and have been telling myself over and over again that I am going to get in, that I already have gotten in. I know there is a possibility of me not getting in, but if that is the case, that is a sign from the universe telling me that I need to move on, move away from this snow infested town, and move away from what is comfortable. 

It's been about six days since L and I have had our talk. It's going ok. Sometimes, I get really confused and want to stay the night with her, but then I realize how fucked up she is. She is letting the ex rule her life. She called me on Friday or Saturday saying that every time she gets off the phone with A she wants to punch someone in the face. I told her that it is the sign for her to step back, stop communication and try and fix herself. The ex is being crazy and allows her words to get into L's head and make L think about things, contemplate things, doubt herself... it isn't healthy and it isn't right. I tell her this constantly, not to just get A out of the picture, but to make her realize that the only way for her to start healing and start fixing herself, is to distance herself from A. I know that all I can do is offer her advice and be willing to listen to her problems, that it is her that needs to take the action. I can't get mad at her (to her face), I have to accept that she is going to do it in her own time. She recognizes that she needs to "grow a pair" (as she put it) and say that she can't see A for six months. She said one of the reasons why she can't have a relationship with me is because of A. Because A makes L feel bad about being happy, about having a relationship... and everything else. A makes L second-guess herself, her heart, blah blah blah. For A being fucking 34 or something, she is more immature than most girls. I cannot believe that someone at that age would be so conniving. 

It's hard for me to deal with the break-up between me and L. I know she is capable of treating me well and being a good friend, girlfriend, lover, or whatever, but she is incapable of giving that to me or anyone right now. And I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve someone better. But I cannot wait around for her to get her shit together, I know this. But in  my own sick way, I want to. Because I know how great she can be, and I don't want anyone to have that once she is well. There's a part of me that thinks I deserve to have her when she is back to being amazing because I dealt with all her bull-shit and all her mood swings, tantrums, bad days, tears. I know that isn't going to happen. I am not going to say that L and I will never give it another shot. There is something between us, everyone can see it, that pulls us together. We fit well together, even in the shittiest of times. So I am not going to rule out anything, but I am not going to wait around. I did that with S, and while I don't regret it, it made me realize that I should NEVER wait around for someone to change or get better, because I am going to miss out on other people or opportunities. 

Being in my 20's is difficult. And I am continuing to learn about life, relationships, sex, friends, school, everything. And while it is tiring, I am obtaining much knowledge and all the hard and good experiences I am going through are helping me find out who I am, what I want out of life, a partner, friends. It's a challenge. And while some people may blame their sexual orientation, I refuse to do that. Because honestly, I have dated guys, and go through just as much drama and heartache. It's just a different type. Because us women, we tend to get more attached, more emotionally dependent, and move a lot quicker when we love other women. 

At least I haven't U-hauled yet. haaa. 

The Talk...

I left last Monday to visit family for the holidays. That Sunday, I stayed at L's house since we weren't going to see each other for about a week. I knew that Sunday was going to be the last time I stayed at her house, shared her bed, and kissed her goodnight the following morning. When I was leaving, she hugged me and said "Have a good holiday". No kiss goodbye, and no lingering hug. She had already shut down, and I knew that when we both got back from our vacations that we would have the talk and just be friends... literally this time.

I had a week preparing myself for it. It became more obvious when we didn't speak at all for that week. We spoke on the phone twice, for no longer than ten minutes. She sent me a very business like text message about cross country skis. That was it, nothing more, nothing less.

I can't say that I am surprised. The relationship we had was nothing but me giving her all I could, and getting nothing in return. I give too much of myself, and I know I need to work on that, but I am a genuinely nice person. I love to do things for the people I love. I love being able to do small things that show I am thinking of them or that I care. It's part of who I am... and I am not willing to change that completely. But I know I need to set some ground rules and realize that if I keep giving and I get nothing in return, there is something wrong.

Anyway, we talked last night. L started to cry. I didn't. I am totally shut down. Probably due to the fact that I have had a week to prepare myself for this, to realize this is not what I want in a relationship and I deserve a hell of a lot better. I also know L has a lot of shit to work out. And when I say a lot, I mean enough shit to fill the Grand Canyon. That much. I know, it's scary. So we talked, and I told her I knew it was coming. Her response "How did you know it was coming? I just knew tonight that we were going to need to talk" And I simply told her I knew because we didn't talk at all, the Monday morning I left she was shut down, etc. etc.

She explained to me that she doesn't have a single healthy relationship in her life. That she has been taking advantage of me and treating me poorly. She started to cry even harder when she brought up the fact that sometimes, I don't know if I am allowed to kiss her or hold her hand, because everyday is a different feeling in her. Hot n' Cold by Katy Perry just popped in my head. It's perfect, really.

Anyway, I gave her The Four Agreements, because my cousin suggested it for me the first time L and I broke up. I read it in a day. It was amazing, and I have been trying to live my life that way. It's rather difficult, but I am trying. She hadn't read it and it made me a little mad. But she got it over audio book and listened to it when she was driving back from her home. This is when she realized what was going on between us wasn't right and she was using me, blah blah blah. I have heard it all before.

The last time we had this talk, another girl showed up in the picture about a month later. She was "curious" about this girl. So it crushed me. Because S did the same thing to me when we broke up. There was another woman. So I told her that it makes me feel like I am not good enough. She got defensive and said that there wasn't another girl and she wont do what she did last time. She said she loved me and that those two weeks I wasn't in her life were probably one of the worst times for her.

So, now we really are "just friends". I am sad because I will miss the companionship, sleeping with someone next to me, kisses, hand holding, etc. but this really is the best thing. My office is moving into a different building, so I think it's a sign from the universe saying I need to distance myself from her.

We'll see what happens. She needs to find a counselor and she FINALLY admitted to it last night. After of me telling her for months that she needs one. She needs to get rid of the ex wife for awhile because that is just one fucked up situation. She needs to work on herself. We were both selfish in this relationship because I knew she was incapable of having a relationship and I pushed it anyway, and she treated me like shit and I let her. And since she knew I would let her, she continued to do it. So... now, we'll see what happens.

She wrote my mother an email on facebook explaining to her what was going on. haha. Apparently my mother wrote on in return which made L cry.

ugh.

An emotional breakdown at work...

Is such a LOVELY way to start off the day. 

Let's backtrack...

Last night, I stayed over at Lindsay's again. The snow is ridiculous and she has a truck, and since we both work in the same place, it makes perfect sense for us to ride in together. Since my little Alice cannot make it. So, we head over to her house, we both change into sweats and start watching TV. She builds a fire and we just hang out. I am ok with this. I don't need to go out every night, and be entertained. I am perfectly content to sit at home, knit, read, watch tv, whatever... I am not hard to please. Granted, it is nice to go out every once in awhile, but I don't need it that much. Anyway, we get in this little tiff because I know how to push her buttons, and apparently I do it all the time. Which isn't true. She exaggerated just A LITTLE! The way I deal with things is to get up and walk away. Not the best way to do it, but I also know I get extremely violent when I get mad. Most of the time I want to punch someone... a trait I got from my father. So I go and move from the couch she was sitting on to the one across from her. I ball up and pick at my nails, because that's what I do when I am uncomfortable. 

After five minutes, she gets up and comes and sits by me. Puts her arm around me and her head on my shoulder. She apologized for being a huge smart ass the other night. She was. It was ridiculous. Apparently I couldn't do anything right. And usually I am ok with her being a smart ass. I usually can handle it. But I am bleeding, therefore, I take things extremely personally, more so when I am not. I said it's ok. She then told me that it's because she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings about us and our situation, so she turns into a smart ass. I told her I knew that. I told her I was scared, and when she asked why I told her it was because I loved her, and I am scared of loving her. And then she said she loved me too, but was scared as well; "I am scared of loving you" is what she said to me. I don't know how I am supposed to take it. But she wrapped both arms around and hugged me, and kissed me. Sat there for awhile like that and then she got up went over to the other couch. All was well again.

This morning, she wakes up; the school is on a two hour delay, so we didn't have to be there till 10. But we both got up and took showers, got ready, etc. etc. She called A, the ex, and they were talking for awhile. We didn't speak to each other. NOT ONE WORD WAS EXCHANGED. Oh, except when she asked me if what she was wearing was ok. I finish getting ready, I can hear her on the phone still. She gets off the phone and doesn't say anything to me. We get in the car, and nothing is said for the fifteen minute car ride to work, except when we got into town and she asked if I wanted food. I said no. We pull up to our office and we get out... I go one way she goes the other. No words exchanged. NOTHING. 

I go into my office, I have been text messaging my first ex, S the entire time, looking for help and advisement. I sit down at my desk and I just start crying. I feel so unworthy, not good enough, undeserving of her love, like I can't do anything right. That's a HORRIBLE feeling, and a HORRIBLE way to start off the day. So I write my friend a facebook message, and while I am doing this I am crying and text messaging S at the same time. I am having a break down. 

S pointed out that L has A LOT of shit going on. She did just get out of three year relationship and work has been crazy. She also told me not to take it personally, but I take things personally. Even when it has nothing to do with me (which I am assuming this doesn't). I am crying and I just want reassurance that she does love me, and that she cares about me and that I am amazing.  I know I am amazing but to hear it from the person you're in love with sometimes is needed. 

The campus closed at 8.30, after I was already at work. So I was trying to find a ride home. I came across one, and I am now home for the day, looking at the snow still barfing on us. They hadn't plowed my street, so when I was getting dropped off, there were three cars stuck on ONE of the hills to get to my house.

While I was getting a ride home, my phone rang. I didn't answer, because I think that's rude. So when I got home, I check and it's L. She asked me what I was doing and I told her a guy in the electrical shop just brought me home. She said campus was horrible and that she's plowing. She then asked if I would make her cookies to bring to our holiday party that is going on in our building (since we are considered essential staff the whole plant, even accountants have to be there. And the only reason I came home is because uhhh. I have had a HORRIBLE morning) because she didn't bring anything and I had nothing to do. I told her I would, since baking makes me feel better. Which also means she has to come and get them, and I will have the chance to ask her WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON THIS MORNING. And tell her that I felt horrible, that I had done something wrong and that she can't not talk to me and treat me like that. I am putting my foot down. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. To the point where I sat in my office for fifteen minutes crying. 

Hi, welcome to my life, you want to trade? 

We'll see what happens today. I am for sure NOT staying with her tonight. I leave Monday for a week holiday to see family. And I don't want to spend a lot of time together. So, I might not stay there until Saturday or Sunday. She told me last night that she wants to exchange presents when I get back, because she needs more time planning. Lord knows what that means. But I got her an amazing present, I just have to pick it up... but with the snow, I wont be able to for awhile. It is supposed to subside today. And then they say snow on monday, which I am hoping isn't the case, because I am flying out of the airport in this town. It's a small airplane, those like 15 passenger ones. So hopefully it stops snowing... so I can have much needed time away from this town, this snow and spend it with my wonderfully crazy family. 

She may be a butch...

But she is my butch. 

I woke up this morning to about one and half feet of snow on the ground. I called the University "NOW" line, where one can find out whether or not campus is closed. It was closed. And when it's closed, my building and the staff are considered essential staff. Basically because they make the people in the plant shovel. I don't do that. Because I don't do any snow-time activities. Due to my hate for snow. 

I had called one of my bosses, and said that I wasn't going in. You know why? BECAUSE A CITY PLOW GOT STUCK ON MY STREET. I drive a tiny honda civic. I love her, but she just doesn't like the snow. And I hate driving in the snow. So I was like "No work for me!" My other co-worker had said she wasn't coming in either. Since I can't get back to sleep once my alarm goes off, I take a shower. And while I am in the shower, my phone rings. It's L. I call her back and this is how our conversation goes;

me: "Hi, what's up?"

L: "You need a ride?"

me: "I don't really want to go to work..."

L: "You need the money. I will come get you."

me: "but the university is closed! we shouldn't have to go in either!"

L: "Stop being lazy. What are you going to do all day?"

me: "READ! and watch it snow, while I laugh at all the idiotic people driving in this horrible weather."

L: "Just come to work. You will get paid for the whole day for fucking around."

me: "But it's boring there! I will be by myself."

L: "I will come pick you up and drop you off."

me: "FINE! poopface. I just got out of the shower, so I need to get ready. It will take me thirty minutes."

L: "OK, I will go and get coffee, do you want anything?"

me: "Not to go to work."

L: "Not happening."

me: "fine."

I get dressed and refuse to wear anything nice. I like to look nice at work, even though I am a student employee and I don't have to dress up. I like dressing up. I look cute! I put on a hoodie and a beanie, jeans and boots. 

Twenty minutes later, my knight in shining armor is knocking on my door. 

"UGHHHHH. I HATE THIS!" I say to her. 

"Good morning to you too!" she says to me, so I turn around and kiss her "good morning." 

She is rushing me the whole morning, and I am finally ready when she goes "wear your other blue beanie. I like it more. You look cute in it." I turn to her and go "oh jesus, fine." 

So we go to work and I sit there for the full eight hours. Not really, my best friend of all time came up, and so she and her mother came a picked me up and we went to breakfast. But I spent my entire day reading. I finished my book that I had been trying to read for about a month. L calls me at work and says she has been plowing snow all day. No thank you.

We leave around three. Run a few errands before she goes cross-country skiing with our friend J and L's lovely ex, A. (shoot me). I want to learn to cross country skiing. I will probably like it more because I hate the whole tumbling down a hill feeling I get with normal skiing. So L said we will rent boots and ski's for me this weekend so I can try it. 

"I don't have any snow clothes."

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Maybe I will give you my old ones and I will buy new ones." 

So we'll see. It's kind of exciting. I am looking forward to it, if it actually happens. Everyone says I will like it, and I am willing to try it. I am all about new experiences. Hell, if it keeps snowing like it is, which its supposed to till THURSDAY (motherfuckingshitfuckdamncocksucker) then I can ski myself to work! haaa. right.

I am different than any other girl L has dated. Because I am feminine and don't go around building desks, or sheds, or anything like that. Which is good. Then she can do her shit without my wanting to help, and vise-versa. I think it's a good mix. And all her friends are like her and enjoy that stuff. I wouldn't mind learning, but I wouldn't make it a hobby of mine. 

Anyway, it's still snowing. L is going to call me later tonight after her and J spend some time together. J is leaving Friday for the month. Hopefully I will stay with L tonight, and she can take my ass to work again. Because we are supposed to get more snow and I don't want to drive in it. 

She's a good butch. ;) 

and this is when the "ridiculous" title of my blog comes in

So... I am sitting at work it's about 10 am then. I haven't heard from L, even though I sent her a text message asking her how she's feeling. She was still sleeping, come to find out. Anyway, around 10ish she came into my office. I have my own cubical, even though I am a student worker, and there are four other cubicles around me with busy worker bee's in them. She goes to talk to one of the men who had to deal with the HUGE water pipe leak that started Tuesday at 2am until last night at 11pm. Campus was a wreck (I work on campus, in case I forgot to mention that). So they were talking, and then she makes her way towards my cubical. She wraps her arms around my waist, and mine around her back and we have a much needed, passionate hug. Let me point out that NO ONE is supposed to know that we are... "just friends". ha. Anyway. I ask her how she's feeling, what's going on, etc. etc. She asks me what my plans were for the weekend, and it's my first weekend without having to freak out about how much useless homework I have to do. I plan on baking. probably a lot. It's what I do. I told her I have a graduation party I have to go to later, and then other than that, I have nothing, thankfully. I asked her what she was going to do, and she said "well, since I have worked 60+ hours in the past three days, I am going to do some much needed sleeping".

Here comes the ridiculous part. You ready? Are you sure?

She told me that our friend is LL is having a party for our other friend/LL's ex-girlfriend, J. J doesn't know about said party, and L is a little unsure of how it's going to go. They are having a dinner party. L said she wants me to come but L's ex-wife, A, doesn't want to hang around the two of us. You wanna know why? BECAUSE SHE GETS JEALOUS SEEING US TOGETHER AND TO SEE L HAPPY.

I am sorry... who broke up with whom? Who is dating the girl she dumped L for? Who is ALSO dating a BOY?! I am sorry... you have two partners? And you are L's "best friend" but you don't want to hang out with us together (plus, there would be more people than just the three of us!) because you get JEALOUS of ME and of L's and I's relationship?!

What the fuckity fuck. I am sorry. A broke up with L. A says she loves this other girl, who she left L for. A also has a boyfriend four hours away. And she is complaining that she get's too jealous when she see's us together?

Oh. And this woman, A, is I think 34 years old. mmhmm. HELLO CRAZY LESBIAN!

I don't fucking think so. So not only do I not get to go to the dinner party for a mutual friend, I probably wont be able to attend any social gathering of mutual friends if A is going to be there, because it makes her sad seeing L happy. FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUU! HELLO SELFISH BITCH!

Granted, it's L's fault too, for giving into the manipulation and the fucked up situation. And I understand that none of us want any drama. But A told me awhile ago that she is rooting for me and that she really hopes it works out between me and L. HELLO BIPOLAR DISORDER!

Ridiculous? I do believe so.

the first ex...

So, when I got back from England, I fell in love with my best friend of three years. We had both been in different countries for five months, and it was a difficult transition from hanging out 3-4 times a week to not seeing each other or being able to talk on the phone for 5 months. Before we both went on our own journeys, we decided to get a tattoo together. We decided to get half a daisy (my favourite flower) and half a sunflower (her favourite). We both got it on our right foot. It's a beautiful tattoo. And it reminds me of a time when we were the best of friends and how much we cared about each other.

Well, I get back from England and I finally allowed myself to accept that the feelings and protectiveness I had over S was more than just your typical friendship. After a month of us being back and hanging out pretty much everyday, we kissed. And my heart melted. It felt good. It felt spectacular. But it also scared the living shit out of me. I had always dated guys... and even though I knew, probably around the age of 13 that I liked girls far more than I liked guys, I denied it.

S and I dated for about a month and a half. In that time, we had a good relationship, until one day, at the library apparently, S was approached by a girl, D. D and S started hanging out a lot and it made me a little uncomfortable. And when I say a little, I mean a lot. S reassured me that nothing was going on, but in the pit of my stomach I knew that wasn't the case.

S broke up with me in August, before she went home for two weeks before school started again. My heart was crushed. Not only did I lose my first girlfriend, I lost my very best friend. When she was gone, she told me that she had fallen for D. I was FURIOUS. To the point where I could have beat her or D up till there was nothing left. I was also crushed. No one wants to hear "I like someone else".

It was a roller coaster for about three months. S and I were on again, then off again... it was a huge heart pull and finally we stopped talking altogether. My heart couldn't take anymore and I was tired of being second best. It was hard and still is hard. I miss my best friend... but we are not those two people we were almost two years ago. I am accepting this.

We talked once in April. I made her say it was D she was dating, and I told her straight up that I can't trust her. But I missed her and hoped that one day we would be able to be friends again. Then there was nothing until about September of this year. Text messages were exchanged every once in awhile. I wanted to get together and talk. I had spent a whole year angrier than fuck. I wanted to apologize for me being so angry and that I realized a lot of things about myself and wanted to start new. That never happened.

I called her one night in need of a friend. The drama with L, the girl I am in love with now, was too much and I just needed SOMEONE who knew me and who could make me feel better. S actually came through and answered her phone, and talked to me for about 15 minutes. It was nice, she was not judgemental and was supporting. She was the kind, passionate person she was when we were close.

Then, it stopped. We stopped talking, texting, etc. etc. Until today.

She called me today and said "happy two years" (it's been two years since we've gotten our tattoo. she did the same thing last year, but sent a text message with a picture of her foot saying she missed me). Then she asked it I wanted to stand outside with her and direct parking for the graduation stuff. I took the opportunity I saw to actually talk to this one person who understood me inside and out and who I understood the same way. It was fun. Freezing balls, but fun nonetheless. I missed talking to her and hanging out. I know there needs to be baby steps in order for us to try a friendship again, and I think this is a step in the right direction.

I have forgiven her for all the SHIT she pulled on me, but I haven't forgotten. And I will stay guarded and not give me friendship and love out so freely this time. But I also know that I have to let people in. I have been shut down and unwilling to let people into my life, into my heart. Probably cause I get fucked over all the time. But that's part of dating, growing up, etc. etc. I am slowly learning. But I am still extremely cautious. And I am ok with that. I got all the time in the world. I am only 22...

Oh. And what I find hilarious, is that while S and I were doing our traffic control, I said "Oh, look... there's D" and apparently she didn't know who I was referring to... pretty sad since they live together... but it made me smile a little. On the inside.