Sometimes, change is a good thing.

Prior to my vacation for the holidays, I was informed that my department in the university is moving from the building we have currently resided in for four years to a different building on campus. My boss man would no longer be my boss man, and I would no longer be able to walk around this huge plant that I have worked in for five and a half years.

There are many things I like about working in this giant building:
1. I can roam the long hallways.
2. everyone knows me, says hi to me, and most of the time stops to have an actual conversation with me.
3. I have many friends here, many older women who are my adopted mothers and older men who are my adopted fathers.

However, there are people here I will not miss, like my old boss, the IT guy, and a few other male students who constantly come into my office and hit on me.

Today, my two women bosses that I work with currently met with our new main boss lady. I have worked for one woman before, and she was the devil. I hate her. She treats me poorly still. But now I wont ever have to see her again. At least not everyday.

The whole interesting thing about this, is that I have heard good things and bad things about my new department/building/boss woman. But, upon meeting her today, she seems very lovely. And from what the two women said after their meeting today that she seems very nice, very approachable, and willing to work with us so that we don't have to change what we do. I actually feel good about this change. There is one downfall, which isn't even that big of a deal, but I wont have my own cubical. Which really isn't that HUGE, but I have grown accustom to having privacy. And now I wont have any. And while I will still report to my current boss, I can now be used for anyone in the office... which isn't that bad. I mean, it will make the day go by quicker.

L went and saw my mother the other day, and told her that it is going to be hard and suck not having me in the office anymore. She is really bummed about it. But I think it is a good thing. In a way, it's the universe saying I need to distance myself and move on. This is a good change, and I am actually very excited about it. I think the distance between L and I will be beneficial. I don't know how, but it will reveal itself in time. It's all about a slow process, and I am trying my best to be patient and let the universe deal with me on its own instead of pushing it and making it do stupid things.

S and I wont see much of each other either. Granted, we don't really see each other or talk that much. But, if we are meant to be friends, this will only help it.

Here is to being optimistic about a change, for once in my life.

The New Year Will be a Good One

I don't usually make new years resolutions. And if I do, it is always about me trying to lose weight or work out more. Well, not this year. Instead, I have decided to make a couple of goals for me to accomplish involving my life, relationships, dating, self-esteem, etc. etc.

1. Don't settle for anything less than amazing.

2. Don't comprise myself or what I want for someone else.

3. Put myself first before anyone else.

4. Realize that I am amazing and deserve the very best.

5. I deserve respect, and if someone doesn't respect me, they do not deserve me.

6. Be single for more than two months.

These are all going to be challenging for me, and I am very ready for this challenge. I need to do this for me, no one else. I need to realize how great I am and how very lucky someone is to have me. Even when I don't feel good enough. Because god damn it, I am good enough... I am amazing. I am one of the most generous people that I know. I have a good heart, a good soul, and always willing to help in every way I can. I have realized that most people will see my good heart, soul, etc. etc. and use me for it. Use me to get what they want. I have come to the conclusion that I will not change my ways because I get walked over. Sure, I am amazing at shutting people out of my life and making them feel like the biggest piece of shit known to man, but I will not change my inner-self because I get used and trampled on. I refuse to become a heartless, cold, inconsiderate bitch. I love the way I am, I love the people I attract (even though they may not always stay), I love people being able to see the good in me. 

My life is complicated and filled with drama at times. I am ok with that. I think all of it makes me stronger, wiser and more grownup. Even though my heart gets broken constantly, I would rather love someone and be crushed than to never love someone, never let someone in, never let someone see the real me. 

I am graduating college this semester. Come May, I will have a diploma in English. I have applied to Grad School and have been telling myself over and over again that I am going to get in, that I already have gotten in. I know there is a possibility of me not getting in, but if that is the case, that is a sign from the universe telling me that I need to move on, move away from this snow infested town, and move away from what is comfortable. 

It's been about six days since L and I have had our talk. It's going ok. Sometimes, I get really confused and want to stay the night with her, but then I realize how fucked up she is. She is letting the ex rule her life. She called me on Friday or Saturday saying that every time she gets off the phone with A she wants to punch someone in the face. I told her that it is the sign for her to step back, stop communication and try and fix herself. The ex is being crazy and allows her words to get into L's head and make L think about things, contemplate things, doubt herself... it isn't healthy and it isn't right. I tell her this constantly, not to just get A out of the picture, but to make her realize that the only way for her to start healing and start fixing herself, is to distance herself from A. I know that all I can do is offer her advice and be willing to listen to her problems, that it is her that needs to take the action. I can't get mad at her (to her face), I have to accept that she is going to do it in her own time. She recognizes that she needs to "grow a pair" (as she put it) and say that she can't see A for six months. She said one of the reasons why she can't have a relationship with me is because of A. Because A makes L feel bad about being happy, about having a relationship... and everything else. A makes L second-guess herself, her heart, blah blah blah. For A being fucking 34 or something, she is more immature than most girls. I cannot believe that someone at that age would be so conniving. 

It's hard for me to deal with the break-up between me and L. I know she is capable of treating me well and being a good friend, girlfriend, lover, or whatever, but she is incapable of giving that to me or anyone right now. And I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve someone better. But I cannot wait around for her to get her shit together, I know this. But in  my own sick way, I want to. Because I know how great she can be, and I don't want anyone to have that once she is well. There's a part of me that thinks I deserve to have her when she is back to being amazing because I dealt with all her bull-shit and all her mood swings, tantrums, bad days, tears. I know that isn't going to happen. I am not going to say that L and I will never give it another shot. There is something between us, everyone can see it, that pulls us together. We fit well together, even in the shittiest of times. So I am not going to rule out anything, but I am not going to wait around. I did that with S, and while I don't regret it, it made me realize that I should NEVER wait around for someone to change or get better, because I am going to miss out on other people or opportunities. 

Being in my 20's is difficult. And I am continuing to learn about life, relationships, sex, friends, school, everything. And while it is tiring, I am obtaining much knowledge and all the hard and good experiences I am going through are helping me find out who I am, what I want out of life, a partner, friends. It's a challenge. And while some people may blame their sexual orientation, I refuse to do that. Because honestly, I have dated guys, and go through just as much drama and heartache. It's just a different type. Because us women, we tend to get more attached, more emotionally dependent, and move a lot quicker when we love other women. 

At least I haven't U-hauled yet. haaa.